Why ladies are failing to get married- upclose with Edgar Mose

If you are hearing this name for the first time then let me catch you up to speed. Edgar Mose is a retired congress person of the great school of Public Health in one of the public Universities in Kenya. He is the only congress person i know that has had influence on university politics from the comfort of his home after a full year off-campus. Besides that, I fairly believe he performed better in his tenure as the school’s congress person compared to the rest who fell victim of the university administration’s indoctrination into forgetting to represent the students but rather, enforce irrelevant campus law. Mose doesn’t mince words when it comes to a subject he is passionate about. He will choose a side and stick to it without imposing his decision on his opponents to win them over. I strongly relate to some of the issues he addresses on the social media and one such issue that I decided to document on this candid experience is his stand on ‘why ladies are failing to get married’.

This is upclose and candid with Edgar Mose;

“Girls who are not looking for marriage are stumbling into it and those who are desperate for it can’t find it,” began Edger. “Generally speaking, ladies in our society divide their adult lives into four distinct phases.

Play time (Age 19-22). This is a period where, Cyndi Lauper’s song says, “girls just want to have fun”. When a man asks her out, she comes along with three of her roommates and wonders why he was frowning throughout the evening and drinking only water. She shares almost all her mischief with her friends and they have a good laugh over it. At this stage of their lives, girls see men as playthings. During this phase, any suggestion of a serious relationship is dismissed with the contempt reserved for fun-spoilers.

Time (Age 23-28). In this period, girls still want to have fun, but not just fun. They want to have fun with a purpose. They are looking to grow in love and get married (in that order). At this stage, her ideal man is no longer a set of qualities she wants, but a workmate, a church mate, a gym mate. In other words, someone within. She knows him and sees him frequently. As she gets dangerously close to 28, she widens her net. Then she starts bidding. Her open bidding process lasts a year without a single bid, then reality hits. She looks back at all the bidders she threw out without consideration and none of them looks back. In fact, most of them are probably happily married or inviting her to their wedding meetings. Tick, tack, tick, tack, time is going.

‘Desperation time’ (Age 29-33). She is now 29, which means 30 is just 365 days away. As the days go by, she forgets that marriage involves two people. She tries to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. Now she can only date ‘serious’ people.
And this creates two discernible dangers for her,

  1. Her definition of a serious man is one who is willing to have the second date at her parent’s home, and the third date at their wedding reception. Any man who can be rushed like that is either a very old man or a conman. (Men rarely get rushed like that)
  2. At this stage, a girl has lost the ability to fall in love; all she wants is to fall in marriage. Men notice this attitude from a distance and take off

PHASE 4: Single motherhood (Ages 33 —). When the prospect of marriage seems to be vanishing with the horizon, it’s time to look for any prospective man. He must be responsible; good looks are an added advantage.
Back to the subject of marriage. From my observation, girls who end up in stable marriages are those who use their Open Time wisely. But so many girls tend to abuse their Open Time in one of the following ways;

The dream man in every group. There is a man who is seen as the ideal husband for most girls. He is the man of their fantasies. The trouble is that the prize man is being eyed by twenty girls, all of whom are hoping to win the race. He plays ‘good friend’ to all the girls and keeps them hanging on the cross of hope. When he eventually proposes to one, he leaves nineteen others flat on their faces. Their Open Time is coming to an end and Desperation Time is knocking on the door.

Ideal vs Available. They then wake up to the realization that they wasted their Open Time. So when she wakes up from her disappointment, all the men who were interested in her, the men whose proposals she threw out, have moved on and they seem happily married. If only one of them would come back she would gladly take him in, but none of them returns.

A delay on their part (Ladies). They like those men who don’t want to talk about marriage on the first or fourth date. They don’t want to meet your parents before they are well acquainted with you. Don’t expect the world to align itself to your desperation. There are certain things you cannot push; the only thing you are pushing is prospective husbands away from you.

Don’t waste your open time pursuing a so-called dream man. He is probably not worth it. A dream man today might turn out to be a loser tomorrow. That’s usually the case. Remember those men whom you celebrated in Secondary School? Where are they now? The man you turn down today because he doesn’t meet your lofty aspirations might turn out to be the dream man tomorrow. If you cannot catch a buffalo, settle for an antelope. Remember, the people who are desperate did not end up that way because they didn’t have opportunities; no, they ended up that way because they spurned their opportunities.

God doesn’t see us for what we are, He sees us for what we can be.”

No books, please-We are Kenyan!😂

It is no secret that Kenyans are ignorant. Ignorant, not because we can’t read but because we have chosen not to. In fact, we run at the sight of books. To be clear perhaps, let me bring this point close to home. I am a chronic native of this beautiful country and not until recently did I realize how little I know about life. I am not that old but definitely not that young either, so do your math and help me understand what it is that I have been doing in school. Guess what, i also don’t know. Politicians have been riding on this truth like the horsemen in revelation to conjure indomitable support because we simply can’t read between the lines. They know that Kenyans hardly read any material unless it is translated into a movie. Even then, follow up on such important matters is left to the thieves in CBD-sorry I meant our leaders. Certainly, a well read electorate would not queue up at a polling station to vote in leaders with nonsensical and illogical manifestos. I bet half of us don’t even know what color the constitution is or at least if it has color.

My subtle approach to books wasn’t that forthcoming either. I struggled to read from a young age which was unorthodox especially coming from a family of strict parents. I used to lie about my reading by stocking a shelf full of books and end up only reading ‘Abunuasi’ halfway. This is a syndrome many of us are accustomed to however much we deny it. One entertaining observation that I urge you to make is that most Kenyans spend as many as two hours commuting everyday while staring into space as if manna is about to fall. Isn’t staring at a book much more productive?

Whose fault is it anyway? My first argument squarely falls on parents. Show me a kid who loves to read and I will show you parents who love reading. Fruits do not fall far from the tree. This culture is best taught while one is raw, alongside learning to pronounce A-B-C. A parent who dismisses reading as a hard task or a waste of time is raising a generation of crude children. Another line of argument blames the national role models, leaders, politicians and the archaic publishing industry. The latter are focused on producing expensive books with zero innovative marketing around the books. No wonder Kenyans have no idea on what books to read and where to find them.

Most work however, lies solely on individuals. Its about time we got out of the cave- we are not neanderthals. Instead of finding fulfillment in sending and receiving utterly trivial and sadistic text messages why don’t you pick up a book and take ten years to finish it- who’s counting. Trust me, ‘Reading is what makes being human worthwhile-Anonymous.

Whirls of the heart

A few days ago I was listening to a friend of mine raging on about his light-skin ‘lady friend’ and how he was so tired of the relationship but he could not let go. I wondered why that was, yet there were red flags allover warning him about this ship that had not only sailed but was half way sunk a few meters from the harbor. He never gave me an answer but instead put off that conversation with a by the way story. His non-verbal cues however, seriously showed a guy lost in thought who had made a realization that he might have been flogging a dead horse.

This is a scenario familiar to most couples who are ‘dating’. I put dating in quotes because people have twisted meanings of this word. Some think random sleepovers that keep them from sleeping around is dating while others want to befriend someone with hopes of tying the knot 7 years down the line. SEVEN years man! Never mind. The latter are the least because most young people have no idea of their long term plans. Some of them do, but truth be told whatever they have are just blurs of a future with 17 cars and 40 concubines that shield them from reality.

Now, I don’t know why it is that people end up together but I think deep down we all have our dark cravings. Regardless of how many times you tell your partner the 3 magic words, most of us, more often than not, end up dating based on irrelevant and malicious reasons. For companionship (that’s a relevant one), physical gratification (more like bodily satisfaction), or probably some of us are just sex-addicts in denial while others are gold-diggers sailing through life with a large spoon at the expense of an infatuated boychild or girlchild perhaps. But guess what, whatever reason gets you into a relationship might not be the reason that keeps you in one. I have a tone of friends that end up venting about their dating issues to me and not on any psychological basis because truth be told, I am not that good of a listener. I however think it’s the comfort I give, though that’s up for debate because I am inclined to think that my friends might have a different opinion.

Ever heard of the quote ‘love grows, yeah, then think this through. Most of us end up in a relationship on a very shallow basis, and no long term plan but surprisingly end up lasting for 3 to 4 years at least, until reality kicks in that you two are not compatible. Now, leaving is an option but love grew and the heart grew fonder. You cannot imagine your life without this lady, your last three years have been built around her and letting go is not an option. This is what I would like to refer to as the whirlpool. You cannot swim to either side because of the currents and the water is drowning you. Please note however, that love is present between you two because it is unconditional and not bound by differences or conflicting opinions. It is an addictive feeling stronger than bang’ and in as much as you have realized that you and your partner are not compatible, there is no letting go.

The symptoms of this state are characterized by a handful of fights, differences, ego, a little self righteousness here and there, throwing across of blames and rage that you have never had before. You even begin to wonder what kept you stuck in this ‘difference filled god-forsaken situation-ship’ but yet letting go is so hard. One Doctor, Ock Soo Park calls this the un-flowing heart syndrome. ‘When hearts do not flow with one another, but are locked away by themselves misery is felt. People get to the point that the lovely past is just but a blur and whatever you saw in your partner fades away. This ends up eating into your comfort and reducing your functionality and productivity by a great deal.

This state can last a lifetime until someone decides it’s time to pull out from the whirlpool. This is the point where you call for help by venting out your issues to anyone who cares to listen. Even better, realization of this state wakes you up to reality.

Try this out

First solution is to throw in the towel and call it quits for good especially if you are the only one fighting to stay yet there’s two of you. A famous quote that I will regret writing is, let it go something better wants to grow in its place. Letting go feels like having your favorite arm taken away but even the bible agrees with this; you’re better off minus a body part, which causes you to sin.

The second best solution is to stay and fight essentially if you are convinced it’s a mutual feeling. We are born of different families and that’s the least of it because the indifferences range from ethnicity, to behavior, to whether your partner has the decency to cut the toilet paper at the dotted line or not. You have to embrace diversity, and understand your partner. You have to remember the little qualities that got you attracted to this chocolate lady or the one pack dude. You used to laugh at her jokes, dint you? How hard will it be laughing at her jokes again having now understood that she is a pro at snoring and can’t help herself? Understand that whatever she does is not a deliberate attempt to kill you with depression but a sign of her comfort around you. This will catapult your relationship from that level you’ve been stuck in for a year to the next. Time is however a key determinant in getting to understand each other so patience is not a quality you want to ignore.

Those incapable of sacrificing a few of your irrelevant behaviors then please stick to solution one. You are better off alone than ending up a product of fate.

One thing though that you have to remember is, love grew.

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