Sometimes it felt bright and rosy; sometimes it was cold and dull. Call it a roller coaster of emotions, where no one understands or can predict the next mood. An affair of unfaithfulness. Betrayal at the end of the tunnel. You have to play a fool or be one, just to hold on a little longer. A belligerent life. Who knew love could sneak on someone in such a rare form, a taboo? Bread eaten in secret is definately pleasant. First it was love then shame, bitterness and finally revolved into embarrassment and loneliness. The power of first love.
Love is patient, love is kind, and love is…love is a hopeless feeling.
Tears of betrayal fall off her cheeks yet she cannot share her story to the world. What she did is an abomination, total taboo. Feelings of guilt encroach her heart and choke her freedom of ever falling in love again. The thought of giving in to her ex lover or a cougar relationship was not her plan. It started off as a mentor-trainee relationship and one thing led to another, a messed up end in the midst of a quagmire of emotions.
It used to be the best time of her day being around him ,venting out her crap and there he was, hand held out, soothing her, hope and love that gave her warmth, set her moods straight and kept her insanity in check. What a relief, she always thought. With him it felt like a revival. She was never going back to the lonely nights, the days she cried her brains out, the days she craved attention and days she longed for company. Or so she thought.
Nothing comes easy and soon she paid the price. The devil was in the details.
Life is fair and unfair, two sides of a coin. Right from the start, she knew that this wasn’t right but she fell for him. He took the lead and she followed .He coaxed her into love that melted her heart of stone. He made her believe in herself and brought out the best in her. Tried his stride to spoil her and cheered her all the way. This was the best version of her love story. He was sweet, kind, calm…a husband and a father of two. She was dating a married man! Catch 22 situation and her biggest nightmare.
She was constantly tortured by her consciousness, the many ways in which this love was wrong. Had she lost herself? She tried her best to pull through all the heart aches, the stigma and the disappointment thrown her way. She strongly believed that her love was true and real. She was ready to suffocate in her attempts to fit in. She was forever in denial that her love could be wrong.
At times, she wished love could be a lot more easier to fall into. She wished that this guy could travel back in time and ask for her hand in marriage but this was a dream, a fairy tale and a fantasy.
A tainted love story, where no one validates. Love never chose sex, age, race, wealth, happiness, beauty or brains, we did! We attached beliefs, cultures and legalities. We made it a quid pro quo. A business deal. A complication.
She vowed in her soul never to recall the ordeal, the dire consequences…
“Aand Cut “..the narrator said loudly. “C’mon Lana, move to the next scene”…